The Naming of the Followers
by Kimmeth
Summary: What if they weren't called Death Eaters? Voldemort and a select group of his followers try to think of a name to call their despicable gang. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Much as I would like to own these folks, I do not. This was written in tribute to a fantastic quiz question: What name is given to Voldemort's follwers? The answer was multiple choice and, personally, I thought the other options were far more entertaining.

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**The Naming of the Followers**

A half-lit cellar, the smell of stale garlic baguettes and cigars hanging in the air. Four people are sitting round a table. Two men, one woman and a strange fellow whom to the outsider looks like an odd human-lizard hybrid.

The man with long blond hair and a dubious taste in canes is the first to speak.

"Why are we sitting in the dark?"

The man with a nose several degrees too aquiline for the rest of him and a serious need of some Herbal Essences replies.

"Because it adds to the atmosphere."

"But what's the use of having an atmosphere if we end up addressing all our questions to the wrong person because we can't see who we're talking to?" asks the woman with extremely unruly hair and too much eyeliner.

"ENOUGH!" yells the human-lizard hybrid. "Bellatrix, switch the lights on."

"It's always me, isn't it? Bella do this, Bella do that, Bella switch the lights on. It's because I'm a woman, isn't it? You never make the others switch the lights on…"

"I thought I said ENOUGH!" says the human-lizard hybrid again, hereafter known as the Dark Lord. "Just switch the darned lights on!"

Muttering, Bellatrix makes her way over to the lights but stops halfway with a moan.

"What's the matter know?" groans the Dark Lord. "Severus, switch the lights on. Bellatrix is apparently incapable of doing it herself."

The man with the nose waves his wand and the group are bathed in light. It becomes apparent that Bellatrix's progress was hindered because she has impaled a stale garlic baguette on her stiletto heel. She pulls it off and makes her way back to the table, this time muttering that 'had she known the Dark Lord meant switch the lights on _magically_ she wouldn't have had the problem'. The others politely ignore her and turn to the chairman of the meeting, the great Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"My faithful followers," he begins, surveying the group over steepled fingers, like all good super villains do at some point in their careers. "I am sure you know why I have gathered you all here tonight. We need to make a name for ourselves. A name, which, once spoken, will strike fear into the hearts of all good witches and wizards. I, of course, already have a name, which is advantageous, but I can't call all of you Lord Voldemort as well."

"Proceedings may get a little confusing," admits Severus dryly.

"SILENCE! It is my turn to ramble!" The Dark Lord continues. "I have asked you all to work on names that you can call yourselves. I must say," he says, looking at the three slips of paper upon which three different names are written, "I am impressed at your logic."

The blond, hereafter known as Lucius, casts a glance at his sister in law and wonders if the Dark Lord has gone quietly mad. He is sure that logic has never once crossed Bellatrix's mind.

"Very inspired…very inspired indeed. All of these must have taken careful planning and consideration. However I am going to go with Bellatrix's idea…"

Lucius and Severus groan inwardly. They all know that Bellatrix is the favourite and they do resent that fact sometimes…

"Yes," says the Dark Lord. "You are now called…_Voldy's Crew_."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of them, their wands, their axes etc. 

**A/N:** Psyduck Ranger: I appreciate your comment but I've kept it in present tense for continuity.

Thanks to my lovely mum's memory (elephantine, it is) I now have the other two options on the multiple choice question to hand!

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One week later, the same half-lit cellar (this time fully illuminated in light of what happened at the last meeting, pun fully intended). It is full of a group of rather disgruntled males in dark robes and masks complaining about the weather, their wives, and the fact they are now called, of all things, _Voldy's Crew_. Severus is chairing the gathering, and Bellatrix and the Dark Lord have not been invited.

"Order!" calls Severus, but this is unheeded.

"Order!" calls Lucius, but this is again unheeded.

"ORDER!" yells the man with the axe, swinging it in a threatening arc across the table. Several of the others duck quickly. Everyone falls silent immediately.

"Thank you Walden," says Severus. "Although trying to decapitate half your compatriots may be seen as a little extreme. Right, my fellow members of Vol... My fellow members of Vol..." He gives a small cough. "I'm sorry. I simply cannot bring myself to say it. My fellow members of the Dark Lord's inner circle. You all know why we have gathered here today without his presence."

"Why?" asks a large, boulder of a man hereafter known as either Crabbe or Goyle. It matters little which is which, neither having enough intelligence to complain at being called the wrong name. Severus rolls his eyes heavenwards and suspects that it won't be the last time this evening he'll be making this particular facial gesture.

"We have had inflicted upon us a name of the highest and utmost idiocy. We have gathered to think of a new name. Now, does anyone have any ideas?"

There is a resounding silence that lasts for the best part of half an hour. Eventually a small, rodent-faced man gives an exclamation of realisation and thrusts his hand in the air. Severus ignores him pointedly, dreading to think what ludicrous suggestion he may have come up with. The small man waits patiently for a few seconds, then:

"Severus. I've got an idea!"

"Not now Wormtail."

"But it's a really good idea!"

"Wormtail, if you aren't quiet, I'll do something extremely painful to an extremely sensitive part of your anatomy. And no, I'm not talking about your nose."

Severus addresses the rest of the group.

"Has anyone got any ideas?"

There is silence, save for Wormtail bobbing up and down in the background, squealing mutedly with the effort of not speaking.

"Anyone at all?"

No response.

"Anyone who isn't Wormtail?"

Severus sighs.

"Very well. You brought this on yourselves, you know. Wormtail, what is your idea?"

"Well," begins Wormtail with a flush of pride. "I was thinking... that because we kill people..."

"Get on with it," growls Walden, fingering the axe blade. Wormtail gulps.

"I thought we could be called..."

Here he has an attack of shyness and whispers the name he has thought of into Severus's ear.

"The what!" exclaims Severus. "That's worse than Vol...than Vol...than the other one!"

"What is it?" asks a beardy fellow with a very nasty streak, hereafter known as Dolohov. Wormtail whispers in his ear too. "I don't know Severus. It's got an nice ring to it."

Severus is so shocked at this opinion he has to sit down, and refuses to take any further part in the conversation. Lucius gives a sigh and takes over.

"We need a vote. All those in favour of Wormtail's suggestion say aye."

A resounding aye echoes round the cellar.

"And of sticking with the one we've already got?"

An equally resounding aye echoes round the cellar.

"Bugger," mutters Lucius. "Ok, who said aye to which?"

A few botched counts later, Severus holds his head in his hands as Lucius announces:

"By popular vote, we are now called..._The Graveyard Gang_."

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**A/N:** Have always imagined Dolohov as beardy. It's just a beardy name... 


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Nope, still not mine.

**A/N:** This is the final chapter. The final name. You may be surprised…

**Chapter Three**

Back in the cellar, half-lit again, although the stale garlic baguettes have finally been cleared up so the smell hanging in the air is now Magnolia Blossom Airwick. The Dark Lord and Bellatrix are sitting opposite Severus and Lucius, who are holding up the quivering wreck that is Wormtail.

"I think you know why I have called you here today," says the Dark Lord in a very soft, very dangerous voice. "It has come to my attention that my followers have been operating under a name which is not the one I chose for you two weeks ago." Here Bellatrix gives an emphatic sniff. "It has also come to my attention that this particular name was chosen at a meeting in this very half-lit cellar at which Bellatrix and I were not present. We had been sent on a wild goose chase. However, I am sure you will be pleased to know that we rather enjoyed ourselves at that chess tournament, didn't we Bella?"

Bellatrix nods.

"It was most enlightening."

Severus turns to Lucius and gives him an incredulous look.

"You sent them to a chess tournament?" he mouths.

"You said get rid of them!" Lucius mouths back indignantly.

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE DISSENT IN THE RANKS!" yells the Dark Lord. Lucius and Severus duck and luckily, the wildly aimed killing curse goes over their heads. "Especially when that dissent involves the renaming of my esteemed group of lieutenants something as idiotic as THE GRAVEYARD GANG!"

Wormtail gives a small whimper.

"Wormtail, I believe that you were responsible for the new name?" says the Dark Lord in a voice that some people could have classed as pleasant. Wormtail squeaks and faints. Severus rolls his eyes and stops trying to prop him up. Lucius follows suit. The Dark Lord leans over the table and sighs upon seeing the heap.

"Damn. It's no fun when they're unconscious," he laments. "However. You two. You let him get away with it."

Lucius ducks but no curse occurs. After five minutes, Severus pulls him upright again.

"This is the sort of sneaky insubordination I swore I would stamp out when I started this group. It is treachery!"

This time they both duck. Bellatrix giggles, but this hastily becomes a cough when the Dark Lord glares at her.

"Bellatrix, you are ruining the atmosphere. Kindly refrain from such girlish outbursts."

Bellatrix scowls.

"Now this experience has taught me something. Perhaps next time it would be better to consult the entire team, so to speak. Otherwise we will end up with one half calling themselves one name, the other half calling themselves the other name and I will be calling you all something different. How on Earth are you supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the magical community if you have three names?"

Lucius and Severus tentatively stop ducking. The Dark Lord is lost in thought. Severus groans inwardly. The Dark Lord thinking is never a good sign. The last time the Dark Lord was that lost in thought, he renamed himself _Voldemort_ of all things.

"Erm, my Lord," ventures Bellatrix.

"Not now Bella."

"But what about dissent in the ranks and insubordination and all that? Aren't you going to kill them?"

"SILENCE! I am trying to be lost in thought Bella. You aren't helping. We'll discuss this later."

"Over oysters and a bottle of '88 claret no doubt," murmurs Lucius.

"And a nice game of chess," adds Severus.

"What was that?" snaps the Dark Lord.

"Nothing," says Severus brightly.

"Hmm. I have finished thinking. Wake up Wormtail."

It takes seven attempts to wake up Wormtail. Once he is finally vertical again, the Dark Lord stands.

"My most trusted followers. And Wormtail. I have come to a conclusion. Now, I am prepared to admit that, perhaps, Voldy's Crew wasn't quite such a good name as I had first thought. I am prepared to rename this little band on one condition, this condition being that I do not find any mysterious tickets to chess tournaments on my doorstep in the near future. The name stays. The name is final. The name will not be changed under any circumstances. Do I make myself entirely clear?"

He fixes each of the gathered followers with a glare.

"To avoid arguments for any accusations of favouritism, I have picked the name myself, having been inspired by Wormtail's suggestion."

Severus and Lucius's hearts sink to their boots. Even Lucius's cane appears to wilt visibly.

"My most trusted followers. And Wormtail. You are now called…_The Death Nibblers_."

**A/N: **Final review? Please?


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